There are moments in leadership that do not announce themselves with applause. They arrive quietly, almost unnoticed, yet they carry the power to shape how others see you, and how you see yourself. One of those moments is when you are given the opportunity to lead someone who competed with you for the same role.
I have experienced this situation more than once, in different seasons of my career and in different contexts. Each time, it tested my sense of self, my emotional discipline, and my understanding of what leadership truly means once the spotlight fades.
The first time it happened, I was early in my leadership journey. I had prepared hard for the role, worked long hours, and believed I had earned the opportunity. When I accepted the appointment, I was excited, but I was also aware that others who were not selected were equally capable. I later learned that one of my direct reports had also interviewed for the same role, someone now expected to walk alongside me rather than ahead of me. Honestly, I did not fully appreciate what that shift required. I focused on doing the job well, delivering results, and proving that the decision made was the right one. I thought leadership meant clarity, decisiveness, and performance. What I did not yet understand was that leadership is felt before it is measured. There was no open tension and no visible resistance from the colleague, but there was a subtle distance. Later, the colleague told me that the way I handled our working relationship-listening, not overexplaining, and never referencing the competition -helped her adjust easily. In that moment, I learned that leadership begins when people decide to trust you with their dignity, not because you are chosen or given the opportunity to lead.
The second time I faced a similar situation, I was in a very different work environment. I had more leadership experience, a broader global perspective, and a deeper awareness of my strengths and weaknesses. Drawing on earlier lessons, I focused on acknowledging the moment, recognizing the unspoken dynamics, and valuing the person’s capability and created space for dignity, and that small act changed everything.
From these experiences, I learned that leadership is about regulating your presence and creating psychological safety without announcing that you are doing so. It was clear to me that people resist feeling diminished, so when someone competes for a role and you it, the person may be recalibrating his or her identity, wondering what to do, thinking how others who know about the competition perceive the situation, and whether their contributions still matter. With this insight, I have made it a point to always create emotional stability, psychological safety, and an enabling work environment.
One of the most dangerous instincts I felt in both situations was the urge to prove that I deserved the role. Whenever I tried to prove myself, I came across as over-directing, over-explaining, and unintentionally distancing myself. Instead of building trust, my actions built quiet walls with the person. So, I made a conscious effort to be consistent, fair, present, and willing to listen without defensiveness. I let my actions speak for me, not my words, and ensured the person felt safe, valued, and important to the team.
I realized that when people feel respected, they rise. When they feel trusted, they contribute more freely. When they feel seen, they stop comparing. That is when the relationship shifts from quiet tension to mutual respect. I have witnessed this transformation unfold in ways I could never have orchestrated. People who once stood on the opposite side of an opportunity became some of the strongest partners I have ever worked with, all because we chose to handle the past competition with self-awareness, integrity, discipline, and humility.
I also learned that leadership is revealed in how you treat people when the outcome does not go their way. Titles change, structures shift, but people remember how you made them feel when they were vulnerable. Their memory becomes your reputation. They will remember how you protected their dignity, created space for them to grow, and allowed them to belong, even when the decision was not in their favor.
Looking back, I am grateful for those moments. They refined my leadership far more than any promotion ever could. The moments taught me that leadership is about standing steady, practicing humility, stewarding relationships, and being present.
Where in your life are you being called to lead with more awareness, humility, patience, and presence?
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Dr. David Tsetse, Ph.D. | SiBI
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